The family cookout!
The unofficial “Olympics” of Black family gatherings in the summertime. A place where the grill master is treated like a celebrity chef, the aunties have mastered the art of the “I’m not judging you, but I know your business” stares, the cousin standing near the cooler,telling a story that starts with, “Let me give you the tea…”
The summer solstice is here and we’re officially in the third quarter of the year. That means cookout season is in full swing. The weather is hot, the ribs and glizzies are smoking, the potato salad debate is alive and well, and families everywhere are preparing to gather under tents, canopies, and somebody’s oversized backyard umbrella.
But before you grab your folding chair, let me put down what you can pick up.
Because while the cookout is supposed to be about love, laughter, and enjoying each other’s company, there are certain things we simply should not say. Not because we don’t have opinions (because let’s be honest, families, especially black families, have enough opinions to fill a stadium), but because we are trying to make it through the grilled burgers without somebody dramatically packing up their chair.
So consider this your official guide to avoiding side-eyes, deep sighs, and unnecessary fisticuffs at the family cookout.
- Do Not Ask When Someone Is Getting Married
Listen. let’s retire this question. Besides, not everyone has the desire to tie the knot!
Let people enjoy their potato salad and Mike’s Lemonade before interrogating their relationship status.
- Stop Commenting on Somebody’s Weight
We do not need:
“You look like you lost weight!”
“You gained some weight, huh?”
“You eating that?”
First of all, nobody asked. Second of all, unless they share, you don’t know what that person is going through health-wise. Don’t be rude.
Thirdly, the person holding a plate with mac and cheese, baked beans, and a rib knows exactly what they are doing. They came prepared to THROW THE PHUCK DOWN! Let ’em be.
Compliment someone’s outfit. Compliment their smile. Compliment their energy.
Leave their body alone.
The cookout should be a safe space without someone being critiqued on their physical body.
- Do Not Bring Up Someone’s Old Mistakes
Every family has an unofficial historian.
You know the one.
The person who remembers everything.
They seem to find the cookout the perfect place and time to bring up your most embarrassing and humiliating, or even hurtful experience or moment.
Let people grow.
The person who made mistakes or not-so-good choices ten years ago may be the person who learned the most valuable lesson.
- Avoid Politics & Christianity Unless You Are Prepared for the Group Chat Aftermath
Now, listen.
Families can have meaningful conversations. We can discuss important issues. We can even learn from each other.
But there is a difference between a thoughtful conversation and somebody yelling over the grill smoke while holding a pitch fork.
The cookout is usually not the place for somebody to announce:
“Well, let me tell you what’s wrong with why you voted that way…” or “You practice witchcraft when you do that!”
Because five minutes later, somebody’s uncle is proving his manhood, somebody’s cousin is fact-checking from their phone, and somebody’s grandmother requesting church music through the speakers, while trying to eat her chicken wing.
Read the room.
Sometimes the most revolutionary thing you can do is pass the napkins and keep your blood pressure low.
- Do Not Critique the Food, Especially if You Didn’t Bring Any.
This rule should be written on every cookout invitation.
If you did not bring a dish, your job is simple:
Eat.
Enjoy.
Say thank you.
Do not stand over the grill saying:
“The chicken could use more seasoning.”
Friend.
Where is your chicken?
Do not look at somebody’s potato salad and say: “I don’t make mine like this.”
Good for you.
Next year, make yours and bring it.
Until then, grab a plate and show some gratitude.
- Don’t Ask People How Much Money They Make
Money conversations at the cookout can get uncomfortable quickly.
“How much did you pay for your house?”
“How much do you make?”
“Are you still at that same job?”
Some people are rebuilding.
Some people are starting over.
Some people are quietly pivoting.
Everybody’s journey looks different.
Celebrate people without making them explain their finances, especially in front of everyone. Family or not, it’s intrusive. Unless they’re comfortable bringing it up, be considerate by not asking them.
- Please Stop Announcing Family Business or Personal Business
Every family has a person who treats private information like breaking news.
“Did y’all hear what happened?” or “Yo! Cousin! I saw you the other day with…”
Some things belong in private conversations.
Remember: today’s gossip can become tomorrow’s family meeting, or an all-day battle of words in the family group chat.
- Respect the Aunties Who Are Tired
The “Aunties” are all the women in the family that are from GenX and the Baby Boomers era. The older women in our families have carried generations on their backs.
They cooked.
They cleaned.
They worked.
They showed up.
At some point, let “Auntie” sit down, and let the millennials step in.
- Leave Room for New Traditions
One of the beautiful things about family gatherings is watching generations mix together.
The little cousins who used to play tag are now adults with careers, partners, and opinions.
The teenagers who sat quietly in the “young corner” are now bringing their own dishes and families of their own.
The elders who started these traditions are passing the torch.
Don’t spend so much time saying, “This isn’t how we used to do it,” that you miss creating new memories.
The Real Cookout Rule: Come With Love
At the end of the day, the cookout is not about having the perfect playlist, the biggest grill, or the best dessert table.
It’s about connection.
It’s about laughing until your stomach hurts.
It’s about hearing stories you’ve heard 100 times and still laughing anyway.
It’s about seeing relatives you haven’t seen in months and realizing time keeps moving whether we slow down or not. Let’s continue to enjoy each other while we’re still here.
So this summer, bring your folding chair, your favorite dish, and your sense of humor.
But leave the judgment, the unnecessary comments, and the family drama at home.
Because we are grown now, and creating memories are more important now than ever!
We can enjoy a plate of good food without turning the cookout into an episode of family court.
Protect the peace.
Protect the burgers.
And most importantly…
Protect yourself from the side-eye and fisticuffs.
